Anxiety

It’s gotten bad lately.  It feels like whenever I go somewhere I get this sick feeling in my chest and it stops me in my tracks. I can’t breathe I can’t do anything. It effects my depression. It keeps me from doing anything outside of the house on my own. I have had small panic attacks for as long as I can remember. But after my grandfather died I had one so severe that I thought I was having a heart attack and called the ambulance to go to the hospital which was when they told me it was “just a panic attack.”  Maybe for them that’s all it is but for me it is so much more. I want to go out and do things with my son but that feeling stops me in my tracks. I feel like the worst mother in the world so I withdraw from everything. Cleaning, my son, cooking…everything. I know I need to go talk to someone again. Probably get on meds again. My doctor prescribed me something for the heart racing symtom I get when I have a panic attack but it doesn’t do anything at all. I even avoided going to my doctor again because I got that feeling again.

Make it stop. Make it go away.

Tired

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I am so tired. I’ll make a list instead of saying 5 million times, “I’m tired”.

So here it goes:

Of feeling used
Of feeling unwanted
Like I’m not good enough
That I feel like I don’t do enough
That my so called “friends” could care less
Of my friends taking without giving anything in return
Of feeling like giving up

I know I could fix all of this by just telling my friends what they are doing. However, I can’t. I have never been able to be that person. Never wanting to upset my friends, or anyone for that matter. 

My husband tries to understand all of this.  Why I feel all of these things, why I can’t say anything… As hard as he tries, I can’t make him understand why I feel so horrible.

My friends don’t notice, or don’t care enough to notice. 

So what happens as a result of all of this? I am moody, pouty, angry, tired, depressed, lonely, confused…. and on top of all of that I have so many things to do and not enough hours in the day.

My head hurts. My body is tired. My heart hurts. My feelings are hurt.  I’m tired. Of all of this.

Where are we

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Life is constantly changing, it never I stops and that is exciting and terrifying at the same time.

My husband and I have been working on our marriage, trying to figure it all out. Marriage is hard, trying to understand another person and their motives. Marriage is trust. Without trust, you basically have nothing.

Lately my husband has been acting differently. Being very defensive when I ask a simple question, not talking to me anymore and not seeming to be very attracted to me anymore amoung other things. I’m not sure that I understand what’s happening to our relationship,  all I can do is try to understand everything. All I can do is have faith in God and know that everything will work itself out.

I guess I just feel like something has come between us and our relationship. Nothing makes sense anymore. We were getting along so well and then in the last few weeks, it’s like everything just went away. Like we are straight back to where we started.

Here lately I have been getting depressed again. Things are in such a bad place with my husband I don’t even feel like I can tell him what’s going on. When I try to talk to him he gets so defensive and angry. Why would I want to talk to someone who makes me feel like he doesn’t want to even look at me anymore.

What am I supposed to do?

This life of mine

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This life of mine is one that I love.  My life isn’t easy, it isn’t always fun and it certainly isn’t glamorous.  All things considered, it’s my life and I live it every day.

My husband works as a truck driver, he works locally which I am extremely grateful for.  In the same respect, is one of the hardest things that I have dealt with.  I know there are worse things to have to deal with, he could be overseas for months on end or something to that effect.  But these are the cards that we have in our hands and so I play them.  Things aren’t simple, with my husband never really being home for more than 12 waking hours at a time, but again this is what we deal with.  Rick, that’s my husbands name, does a lot.  He works his butt off working crazy hours for this company, he fixes things around the house or on our cars, he helps his friends as much as he can, and he is an excellent father.  My only other wish…albeit a selfish wish, would be that he was home more.  Not simply to spend time with me or our son, but to just be here.

There are days when I feel like I am drowning in a sea of dishes, diapers and delegating every single minute of every single day.  This is the life I signed up for as a stay at home mom.  This is one of the hardest jobs that I have ever had and quite honestly, any person who doesn’t think that being a stay at home mom (SAHM) is a “real job” I would like them to walk a mile in my shoes for a year…shit a month…I will take a week at this point and maybe they will come to see that not all things are what they think.

Being a SAHM is a life of waiting for nap time to come for a moments peace, cooking every meal, washing the diapers, taking care of the animals, attempting to clean, doing the laundry and the shopping, and still finding time to do things for yourself.  This is one of the least glamorous and thankless jobs I have ever had.  Not saying that my husband doesn’t thank me for all that I do, because he does, but simply because all of the things you do go unnoticed.  As a SAHM you are paid in kisses, hugs, dirty diapers (which sometimes you get a raise in), a cranky baby, and overly needy animals.  You learn to laugh at yourself and the mistakes that you make because if you don’t, you’ll become insane.  Finding something to do for yourself becomes a mandatory daily task, because you have to find something that reminds you that you are a human being and not a diaper changing, baby feeding, cleaning, and laundry folding machine.

You look at all of these awesome ideas on websites such as Pinterest and Etsy and wonder how some moms manage the energy to do all of these extra things, when at the end of the day you can barely muster up the energy to cook dinner.

At the end of every day I lay my head down and think about everything that took place and list everything that I didn’t do.  Every piece of laundry that, while clean, still remains in the laundry basket.  Each minute that passed that I didn’t do exactly what the parenting books said.  About the moments of insanity that you had when the screaming and fit throwing seemed to be infinite.  I think about all of these things and wonder to myself…”Did I really do my best today?  Did I really handle everything the right way?”  The answer, most nights is no.  But I have learned over the last 16 months that the answer to that is usually going to be “no”, and that’s actually ok.  I am not a perfect parent, I never will be a perfect parent.  Because despite the parenting books, tv shows, and tips and tricks from friends/family…I am human.  I make mistakes and I don’t always do the things that I should.  What matters at the end of the day isn’t what did or didn’t get done, what matters is that my son is healthy and happy.  That he is well fed and loved.  And the answer to that will always be yes.